What I cant Say in Session - Ep. 2 A Hard Truth About Marriage Counselling

If you have ever been in couples, marriage, or relationship counselling, you have likely heard a counsellor tell you that you and your partner(s) are not the clients, the “relationship” is the client. What that means is that the counsellor’s focus is on supporting the relationship, and not necessarily on what’s doing what’s best for the individual people within that relationship. This is one of the great failings of how standard relationship counselling is both taught and carried out. With this approach, a well-meaning counsellor must remain neutral to the individual wants and needs of the people with the relationship. They focus on doing what is best for the relationship between everyone. Remember this, because it’s important for later. A relationship counsellor strives to do what is best for the relationship. 

In order to prepare myself to be an effective relationship therapist, I sought out the best scientifically supported information. I found the most well-regarded relationship experts in the world; John and Julie Gottman. The Gottmans created and run the Gottman Institute. Which, among other things, teaches thousands of practitioners every year how to be effective marriage counsellors. Counsellors learn The Gottman Method is an extremely well researched therapeutic formula for doing couples therapy. Their own research, which is the most extensive research on marriage ever conducted, shows that their method is effective in helping couples reach their relational goals through therapy. However, throughout my training, something rubbed me the wrong way and stuck with me… The Gottmans are not shy about the type of relationships they are trying to help their clients to build. Their goal is to help people create a “good enough” relationship. For me this was a giant red flag.

Truth be told, a majority of people don’t seek out relationship counselling until they’ve already tried many times to fix their problems without outside support. Most of the people I work with in relationship counselling are experiencing a high degree of conflict, both in intensity and in frequency. They’re fighting a lot, or the fights that are happening are very intense, or both. After sessions with my clients, I often wonder how many of them would end their relationship if it was easier to do so. I resonate with this feeling myself. I was married almost 15 years, and my ex-wife and I did not seek out counselling for our relationship until we had already broken up and gotten back together once. I wasn’t able to fully honest with myself at the time, but I remember fantasizing about having a fresh start. Our relationship definitely fell into the “high conflict” category of relationships. I felt that things were off and I knew something needed to change, but I refused to believe that ending the relationship was what I wanted. I was running on autopilot, doing everything I could to save what we had. Needless to say, this makes relationship counselling a highly sensitive endeavour, and the stakes are extremely high. 

The Gottmans lay out a direct and straightforward therapeutic method that helps people identify their core relational issues, then teaches them skills to help with those issues. Clients can expect to learn skills that will help them build connection, manage conflict, have more emotional awareness, and communicate more assertively with each other. These skills are often all people need in order to have a “good enough” relationship. I’m grateful for the skills and techniques that I learned from their training, but I can’t help but feel like there’s so much more missing. 

In my own perspective, a “good enough” relationship quite frankly, isn’t good enough. I see too many women that are kept small by staying in “good enough” relationships. I see too many men that use their “good enough” relationships as emotional buoys for their insecurities. “Good enough” relationships limits people from their potential. What I cant say in session is that for a lot of people, what is best for the relationship is for the marriage to end. What is best is for the for the people within the relationship to stop repeating their patterns and heal from the wounds the relationship has given them. In my opinion, what is best for any relationship, is for the people within the relationship to be supported by the relationship. More often than not, people, especially in long-term relationships, do not feel supported by their relationship. Ending a marriage/relationship and creating a new relational dynamic is incredibly hard on top of all the layers of hurt feelings and past conflicts that have been swept under the rug. But it may be even more difficult to try and heal together. The longer people have been struggling within the relationship, the harder it is to heal together. This was true for myself and my ex-wife as well. We never stopped loving each other, and it was that love for each other that made healing from the hurt that we caused each other so hard to do together. We needed more space between us. For a lot of people in high conflict relationships, healing together is a tall order, or even impossible. 

It may be obvious, but my approach to relationship counselling is much different than the Gottman Method. First and foremost, I believe everyone deserves more than “good enough” relationships. People deserve to have thriving relationships. People deserve to know that the people that love them most will support them and their own individual wants and needs, especially when it’s hard. People deserve communities of support and recognition.

I don’t ascribe to the belief that keeping people in a marriage that clearly doesn’t work for one or both of the people within it is the best course of action. I’ve deconstructed the narrative that a relationship is only successful if it does not end. For many people, this is a radical perspective. Creating those kinds of relationships is not as simple or straightforward as the Gorman Method is. It requires people to turn off their auto-pilot and exist in relationships consciously. It demands a person look themselves in the mirror, face their own wounds, and take ownership for how those wounds affect the relationships with the people closest to them. This is the way to true connection for those that are ready for it. 

In my relationship sessions, I help people identify and own their thoughts and feelings. I help people build safe spaces with their partners so their thoughts and feelings can be heard, with the goal of understanding one another, not seeking agreement. I believe that what is best for a relationship is for all the people within it to be thriving, to have trust and confidence that being in the relationship is what is best for them personally. Conscious and intentional relationships offer people an opportunity to be fulfilled and celebrated for who they are in ways that the traditional relationship dynamics the media sells us do not. It is my hope that everyone that starts looking is able to find relationships that bring them joy and love. 

Thanks for taking the time <3

River